Feelings Are Hard to Express
by Lythya
Summary: A oneshot where Zuko tries to tell Mai that he loves her. It turns out a bit different than he had planned. R


Just a oneshot that I wrote. Didn't know where it was going. R&R

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Zuko had never been on the skilled side when it came to feelings. Half the time, he didn't know which ones he had, and the other half of the time, he didn't know how to express them or make others understand. When trying to capture the avatar at the north pole his uncle had encountered him with his feelings for him, the feelings that was like the ones for a son, Zuko had tried to maneuver around them. He felt that his uncle was like a father, too, but he just couldn't say the words. They got stuck somewhere in his throat and never made it out.

This was why the closest thing to telling Mai about the true depths of his feelings was the words: "I don't hate you, too." These words did not quite sum up the ones he really wanted to say. And even though he could see in her eyes, that she knew, he wanted to tell her, too.

But while Zuko had always been able to sum a bit of his feelings up, as the least, to others, with Mai it was even harder. Because the feelings were terrifying, too. And _she_ was terrifying. Not because of the fact that she could kill him within a matter of seconds with the knives that she hid around her body, not because her face could seem closed … No, it was because she was just to … Perfect. He could never become what she needed, what she deserved, even though she might think so.

Zuko remembered that he'd been able to tell Katara, the Water Tribe girl, about his uncle, and that he'd been opening up about Mai to Sokka, and he had even been telling his uncle a few things …

But the closer people got to him, the harder it was for Zuko to tell them, what he felt, especially if the feelings were loving, caring and devoted. He didn't know quite why, but he found it embarrassing to tell others about these feelings. When he was little he had given little thought to women. Not that he hadn't known that they were there, not that he hadn't seen them as worthy … He just hadn't seen them as _women_.

Which was why Mai could throw him off so entirely. Not only was she one of a kind, she was also a very elegant and proud woman who needed to be handled carefully.

But Mai wasn't the kind of girl who just let people handle her, she didn't just let others control her. One might think that this was what she had let Azula do, but Mai had never done anything for Azula she did not herself agree on. This was why she was capable of doing what she did on the Boiling Rock.

Ever since he came back to the Fire Nation with her, he had wanted to give her things, and he had often asked "if you could have anything, what would it be?" His mother had told him that it was the small things that mattered, and Mai seemed to agree.

And even though it was only three, small words, then they mattered more than a hundred diamonds and a thousand fruit tarts.

This also made them so much harder to say. He was going to try, nonetheless.

Much to her parent's agreement, Mai stayed alone in the house but the servants. Her parents and brother were in their house on the country, and Zuko could already hear her comments about how boring it was.

Zuko did not take the palanquin. He needed the walk and fresh air to clear his mind. Instead he had four guards with him.

Mai stood outside the house and waited. She waved her hand at him when she saw him, and he smiled.

He send the guards away and followed Mai inside the house.

"I thought you were busy," Mai said and began pouring tea. He sat down in the couch and watched her slender hands work over his cup, dedicating much effort into the job. Zuko had noticed an improvement in her tea brewing since he got back to the Fire Nation.

When he registered her words, his chins darkened a bit. "I can always find time for you," he said, and she looked puzzled at him. He was quite surprised, too. This was not the kind of thing he said. But it was good practice, so he simply smiled at her, and after a few seconds, she smiled back.

"There you go," she said in her raspy voice and put the cup of tea in front of him. She sat down and began pouring a cup for herself.

He reached for the cup and carefully put it to his lips, sipping a bit, not wanting to get his tongue burned.

He raised his eyebrows in surprised and removed the cup from his lips. "Next time uncle is here, you must make the tea for him. He will love it."

Mai send him another questioning glance and straightened up. "You think so?" she asked.

He nodded, ignoring the emotionless voice. "You've improved."

She noticed her trick for hiding her feelings; she simply looked away, this time at her cup. Zuko watched her intensely, and knowing that he was watching her, a very, very slight red colored her pale cheeks. It was a lovely color, that Zuko found unbelievingly satisfying.

"When are your parents coming?" Zuko asked, taking a larger sip of the cop, making a slight grimace at the burn.

Mai's brows creased, her nose wrinkled and her mouth set in the special way that told him she was annoyed. "In my mother's letter she said 'soon', so I can't tell you. You already asked for this once. Much hasn't changed since two days ago." Seeing his wide eye at her exclamation, she said a bit softer, though it was hard to notice: "They can be here any time, so let's enjoy the time we have." She pulled her knees to her chest and rested her feet on the pillow beside him. They were bare.

Zuko sipped one last time before placing the cup back on the table. He felt her eyes watching him as if he was some sort of mystery or a painting where the lines were hard to make out. He felt his head go hot.

He leaned back into the couch and looked at her as she half sat, half lay there with her hands closed around the cup, eyes half closed, watching him intensely.

Without seeming to notice, he picked up her one foot and put it in his lab. Her eyes fluttered to his hands, and a clear blush began to carve itself into her cheeks as he began to massage them.

She began to retreat her right foot, the one that he did not hold, but he caught it swift and quickly with his left hand. He ran his hands over her feet, noticing when her foot relaxed and when it tightened before looking up at her face. It was still red, maybe even redder. She didn't rise her eyes to look at him, she simply stared at his hands work. Her own hands were knotted into fists.

He ran his hand a bit up her leg and lightly as a feather pulled them back, repeating it a few times. He looked at the curve of her leg and thought about whether she would finally protest if he kissed it. He looked up again. A flash of teeth ran over her bottom lip and her eyelids fluttered. He ran his one hand up her left leg, striding the dress away, and secured it in the curve under her knee. He felt the warm and soft skin under his fingers and his heart sped up.

He put his other hand on her left ankle and then slowly lowered his head to push his lips lightly to the white skin. He heard her gasp lightly and felt the pull of her leg, but he did not move.

Warmth shot through him from his lips and continued down his stomach to his groin. Without seeming to think about it, he kissed again. Unprepared for the new shot that ran through him and the way it blurred his mind, he continued kissing, and his hands softly turned her leg for him, finally laying it back in his lab.

But he wasn't finished.

He bow down and continued the kissing up to her knee, letting his tongue collect the taste of her.

As his tongue ran over her skin, he felt a shiver run through her body, and his first thought was whether she was hurt, so he looked up at once, momentarily distracted by the one thing that could. But she didn't look at him.

The cup was on the floor – funny, he hadn't even heard it fall. Her eyes were closed and her one hand was on her stomach while the other hand spontaneously over the side of the couch, twisting a bit in some sort of spasm. Her eyelids suddenly fluttered lightly, and he knew she was okay.

So he returned to his doing, his lips urging for the taste of her. He peeked up at her once and saw her right hand twitch into a position in her hair.

When he continued a bit over the knee and his tongue licked her again, a soft moan released itself from her lips, and a soft sigh escaped his. The silk dress had curled in her lab, only vaguely still doing its job as a cover.

He continued slowly and carefully up her hip, running his hands up to her waist.

"Zuko." The whisper came low from above him and send new forms of warmth throughout him. Her hands were suddenly in his hair, and he could feel the slight spasm in the right hand every time he kissed or licked her.

A new idea occurred to him, and he bit her softly, waiting for her reaction, not expecting … Well, not expecting the feelings running through him, up and down him, gathering in the bottom of his stomach, graving for more …

He kissed her again softly, trying to clear his head, but all this did was to cloud it even more, and he didn't notice it when he moved another bit further up.

"Mmmh," she breathed.

His hands wandered further up till they were right under her breasts, and a passion shot through his lips, creating a frenzy. He kissed her more eagerly, harder, with more passion. He wouldn't stop, wouldn't let anything stop him.

"Zuko!" Mai exclaimed when he was almost at the end of her leg, kissing the inside of her thigh. Her hands in his hair were suddenly not so friendly anymore, and her nails cut into his head. His neck snapped up instantly, and he stared into her eyes. There were fierceness, shock, determination and … something else. Something that Zuko felt himself.

He hand quickly caught his cheek while her other hand smoothed out the dress as far down her hip as she could from the position they were in.

Then she swiftly and elegantly pulled out from underneath him and got to her feet. He noticed that her hair made no sense.

She walked away from him, and his first instinct was to reach for her, but he didn't. He looked at her while she went to the mirror and began correcting the mess it had become. He watched her in silence, finally picking himself up and moving to his knees.

_Stupid!_ he thought grudgingly. He'd tried to tell her he loved her but only ended up offending her. He hid his face in his hands. He was a moron and an idiot. How could she stand him?

He looked up and caught her eyes in the mirror. She quickly looked away and continued working on her hair.

He got a grip of himself and got to his feet, staggering across the room with as much dignity as he could force from himself. A bit cautious at how it would go, he put her arms around her from behind. She froze instantly.

"I'm sorry," he said, trying to be polite. "I –" There it was – that little problem with the words. "I didn't want to – I didn't mean to – You shouldn't –"

"What shouldn't I, Zuko?" she asked harshly.

He took a deep breath and caught a lot of her scent, and those feelings from before were sent flying around in his body.

She stiffened in his arms, waiting for an answer.

"You shouldn't think that I just wanted to –" Once again, he trailed off, leaving it hanging.

"That you just wanted to have sex with me?" she asked, cutting through to the point, as always. He cringed, but nodded. He was sure she could see. "But you did," she pointed out.

He decided not to try to fool her – she was better at talking, there was no way he could outmatch her. "I did," he said, and was just about to say something more, when she cut in.

"So what are you saying, Zuko? You just came here to –"

"No, Mai!" A sudden fierceness grabbed him, something that looked a lot like the old rage he had within him, but this was a controlled feeling. "I came here to tell you that I love you, but you know how I am with words."

She stared at the mirror, and he felt her relaxing a bit in his arms. "Oh," she murmured when she realized what he'd meant.

"I guess a part of me just wanted to show you."

"Oh," she repeated, and this time she relaxed fully, all the tightness disappeared, and she leaned against him. He felt his heart picking up. She slowly turned and looked at him with just the tiniest bit suspicious eyes "You just said …" She trailed off on purpose, he knew it.

Facing her, he realized it was suddenly so much harder repeating the words. He swallowed something enormous and breathed deeply. "Iloveyou," he hurried while having closed eyes.

When he looked at her again, she seemed disappointed, and seeing this on her face … Did something to him.

He lowered his head and caught it by the neck and kissed her. She tried to escape, but he held her there in a firm grip. When he pulled back a few inches, he looked into her eyes and said it perfectly in a whisper: "I love you."

She smiled and wrapped her arms around his neck. "I kinda love you, too," she answered in the same, whispery voice.

Their lips met in a craving kiss, and he softly added a kiss under her jaw, releasing a sound he had never heard before.

He had heard her laugh, he had heard her growl. He thought he had discovered every part of her …

But the sound coming from her when he kissed her right there was a giggle. He tried to kiss her there again, but he mustn't have gotten it right, for she didn't giggle again. But he would find it again, one way or another.

He smiled at her. "Now, maybe we should drink our tea?"

She took his hand in hers and placed it on her waist. "Sure."

He watched her slender neck as they walked back, and knew that there wouldn't go too long. He knew from the way she did not look at him.


End file.
